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This month has felt busy. Too busy to write. That’s busy. Really, I don’t think I’ve been as busy as I feel like I’ve been. For the last week Josh has been out of town on business. I made sure to have something to do every night. I was pretty scared of being on my own. The house still feels like his house that I live in, and I’m always afraid of breaking it. Mostly, I think I’m depressed. The depression started when I agreed to make this big ridiculous wedding I’m having. Being on my own this week, without Josh’s energy to carry me forward, really knocked me out. I haven’t gotten out of bed when I should, or performed at work like I should. I feel my body dragging. Josh flies home tonight, which will help, but I wish this wasn’t the brain chemistry I was born with.

I’ve tended towards depression for my whole life. Even when I was in grade school, my mother used to wake me up by throwing cold water on me. When I was really little, she used to dress me for school while I was sleeping. I just could not get my body moving. Everyone always said I was “out of it” or “spaced out”. There was some element of ADD floating around in that I’m sure, but looking back I think I was already depressed. It’s the sense I have now, of being physically here but mentally absent. Watching myself from outside my body. Willing myself to move and not moving. All that, and several other cliches for “ugh”.

I have spent most of my life in therapy, but when I was younger everyone kept looking for a medical explanation for my problem. I went to neurologists, pedatricians, and psychiatrists. I think part of the problem was that none of the specialists ever saw me depressed. I would be charming and sweet, and they’d all say “she’s so bright and percocious” and send me on my way. I wasn’t trying to hide how I felt or anything, I think it just happened naturally. I do have a very vivacious side of me, and I was always able to communicate with adults. And it’s not like I had the words to say what I felt - I was tired, or distracted as far as I knew. Everyone said I would grow out of it, and that my parents should relax already. While my parents really did need to relax, time proved that the only thing I would grow out of was shoes.

I didn’t realize until this week how much I relied on Josh to just get up and get to work in the morning. He’s a quiet person, and something of an introvert, so I didn’t know he projected so much energy on to me. I did this on my own for a long time, but I’m glad I don’t have to except for during business trips. We’re meeting in New Jersey this weekend, and the next time we’re apart will be a weekend in June. I miss him. Fly home safely sweetheart.