Blank Page

I’ve been having really vivid dreams. As a result, I have been waking up at odd hours, unable to get back to sleep. Here’s what my dreams have been:

Tuesday night I dreamt that Josh was talking to, meeting with, and “cuddling” with an ex-girlfriend named Heather. This is particularly odd because Josh has never dated a woman named Heather. He doesn’t even know a woman named Heather. But, in my dream, she was an ex and he couldn’t (literally) let go of her. When I confronted him about it, it came out that there was an additional woman, one he met while we were together, with whom he was “cuddling”. I was so upset at him, and then I woke up.

It’s interesting to me that there is no sexual contact taking place between Josh and these other women. They are holding each other. While holding is intimate, and sexual in nature, it’s not actual sex. I was very clear on this distinction even during the dream. This distinguishes Tuesday night’s dream from one I had about a year ago. In that dream, we were with friends on a roadtrip and started telling stories about sexual escapades. I told one, and then Josh told one. At the end of his, I asked who that happened with. I didn’t recognize the name, so I asked when it was, and he said “the one right after you”. I asked when exactly in hopes that it was before we were serious, and he said it was after I met his parents. I freaked out, and my disturbance lasted well into the waking hours even though the poor guy had done absolutely nothing wrong.

The good thing about Josh is that he gets me. I told him about these dreams, and he said that he thinks they come from my insecurities. He’s right. They do not reflect on him or his commitement at all, and have more to do with my feelings about whether or not I can satisfy him. I believe I make him happy now, but as the wedding approaches I worry about my ability to satisfy him forever. He says his love is unconditional. That’s a lot to take in. It’s not that I don’t feel the same way back either - it’s just hard to believe that anyone can feel that towards me.

The dream I had last night completely did me in. I was still shakey when I got to work. In this dream, Michael, the husband of the woman who died two weeks ago, came into the office and told us that his wife, Madelaine, had been on vacation and would be returning to work tomorrow. We all talked about it and decided that he must be in denial, or trying to cheer us up. Then the next day at work comes, and Madelaine walks in. We all screamed in horror. Then we looked closer. Her dark brown hair and eyebrows were pure white. I asked her about the change, and she pulled back the white hair to reveal a shaved scalp. I remember thinking that maybe she had just had cancer and looked dead to us. In my dream I was aware of having gone to the funeral and buried her. I wanted to ask about that, but never got to before I woke up.

I don’t really have any way to understand that dream yet. I know it’s about loss, sickness and change. Maybe that’s all I need to know. I’ll consider it part of the grieving process unless it happens again. Meanwhile, it would be nice to get a night with quiet, calm REM sleep.

NOTE: After I wrote this entry, my boss came into my office. I told her about the death dream. She pointed out that we’re in the process of hiring Madelaine’s replacement. I’m sure that is what set my brain off in that direction - I may not be ready to deal with replacing someone who I lost so suddenly. The subconscious is so weird.

Here’s how I know I’m turning into my own mother. This morning I put a banana in my purse to have as a snack. When I got to work, I distinctly remember taking the banana out of the purse and putting it in my desk drawer. Just now, I went to take out my wallet to get change for a soda, and saw that the banana was still in my bag. I thought that was odd, but thinking that I must have just forgotten to do so earlier, took out the banana and opened the desk drawer to place it inside. Inside the desk, in the place that I normally keep my snack, was my cell phone.

Maybe it’s time to go back to consuming caffeine?

It’s easy to go through life without paying attention. One day rolls into the next so fast that weeks disappear, and before I know it whole years are gone. Every once in a while there’s a kick in the head, and the world wakes up. I woke up for 9/11, along with the rest of America. That dazed expression everyone had for two weeks was the most awake and aware we have all been in a long time. The last time I felt that way was last year at exactly this time. On April 14, 2006 my father had a massive, nearly fatal, heart attack. He’s okay, which is a massive miracle. Still, I remember seeing my family for the first time when I got to New Jersey that night. There was nothing more precious than the sight of my brother. I started crying the second I saw him, because I knew we were together and everything would be okay.

I woke up again today. Last week we had a scare at the office when we found out that one of our long time employees was bleeding into her brain. Madelaine Kirlin, one of the executive assistants and wife to a partner, and I sat there saying that you just never know when something like that can strike. You could tell that Madelaine was pretty confident though - she was fit, active and healthy. When we found out that the employee was going to be okay, we breathed a sigh of relief and went back to life as we knew it. Yesterday, April 8th, Madelaine died. Everyone here is wandering around confused. No one’s doing work, and no one is expecting them to. It’s just one of those days that doesn’t make any sense. Madelaine was a good friend, and a loyal support of anyone who needed her. She extended herself to so many people here befriending everyone from employees at all levels of the company to the UPS delivery person. She loved her family more than anything in the world, and looked forward to good weather so she could play a round of golf. There’s no good place to put the feelings I’m having. I wish writing made it make sense. For now it just records it.

April is here. I’m a little Chaucer and a little Waste Land when it comes to April. I don’t know whether to enjoy the weather or keep my pale skin out of the sun. It might be the good weather, or the fact that I cried for 30 minutes while watching Father of the Bride this weekend, but I feel better. I have a good life and a family who love me unconditionally. Everything else will just have to find a way to fit into that.