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This morning I went to the mikvah. In case you’re not familiar with a mikvah, it’s a Jewish ritual bath. It’s customary for brides and grooms to go before their weddings, and I decided that I wanted to go. Josh wasn’t into it at all, but for me it felt like a good way to put a spiritual divide between my old life and my new one. There is absolutely no mistaking what you are doing when you go to a mikvah - it is not a casual setting. I had read about how to prepare yourself and what to bring before I went so I knew what I was getting into. Basically, you have to be really clean to get in the waters. I mean, really clean. I didn’t know I could be this clean. The attendant gave me a checklist of everything that needed cleaning. It was really long, and included my navel, any piercings, “crevices”, teeth, elbows and knees where dead skin can gather, under the nails, and in the ears. I went to a classy place, so they even had some high-end beauty products to accomplish all this cleaning. Then I had to shower, and wash my hair with shampoo but not conditioner (why? too greasy? clings to hair?), then comb any tangles out of my hair to reduce the chances that hair would fall off of me in the mikvah. Finally, into the water naked. I dunked myself all the way, which was harder to do than it sounds because I had suddenly acquired astounding buoyancy, and I said a blessing about how great G-d was for giving us waters for purification. I dunked myself a second time and said the shehechianu, which is a prayer generally said for any new experience. Then, I dunked myself a third time after which I was instructed to “pray whatever was in my heart”. During my research, I read that a bride at the mikvah has a particularly direct line to G-d’s “ear”, so I figured this was my chance. I said that I knew I had made mistakes, but that I also knew they had brought me to this place. I said I was grateful for Josh, and for what we shared, and would do whatever it took to make sure that our love continues including being faithful to him and working to compromise when things get rough. This isn’t a birthday wish, so I don’t think telling all that here will make it not come true. Overall it was a very powerful experience. It really brought home the sanctity of what I’m doing and about to do, and connected me to my heritage. At the very least, boy am I clean. Oh, and we’re sleeping in separate beds until the wedding.

We are so close to this wedding it’s ridiculous. Now I’m trying to do all the last minute things, and it’s such a pain. Recently, someone brought up the idea of “settling”. She didn’t say that she thought I was settling, though maybe that was implicit. No matter, it put the idea in my head. I told her that I know Josh isn’t the guy I would have pictured myself with five years ago, but he is the guy who I picture myself with twenty years from now. Afterwards I thought about it more, and I thought of Charlotte from Sex & the City whose marriage to the perfect preppy was a disaster, but whose marriage to the frumpy and ill-mannered guy, Harry, is romantic and loving. Josh is my Harry. His goodness is in all the right places, and he just loves me - no agenda, no ideals, just love. It’s so perfect. And I love him back. There are things about him that aren’t perfect, but DUH, what did I expect. And although I never would have picked him out as the guy I would marry, my brother said that the first time he met Josh he knew he was meeting my husband. The way my brother put it, he knew who my husband was years ago, he just didn’t know his name. He said he could have drawn a picture of Josh years ago - that’s an exaggeration of course, but I know what he means. Sometimes the people who love me know me better than I know myself.