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I just found out that the sister of an old friend and lover, who I’ll call J.H., was killed by her husband. Even if I did not know this woman, that would be a horrifying story. In this particular case, though I had only met this woman twice, I cared for her a great deal. When she was a teenager - maybe 16 - I put makeup on her and gave her my I.D. so she could sneak into a bar with me. A few years later I spent the day (and the night) with her brother, and witnessed a “fight” between them over the name of their childhood pet. She insisted the bunny was named Thumper. He wouldn’t give up calling the bunny Rambo. I loved her right away.

I was involved, on and off, with J.H. for many years. His family always extended themselves to me, and I loved them for it. I loved him too, sometimes in a messed up way, but I did really care. His family was a bigger part of that than I realized at the time. They were kind, affectionate, and shared my messed up sense of humor. The last time I spoke to J.H. his sister was about to get married. Who could have ever thought it would end like this. I’m sending the family all my love, even though I know they will probably never see this. Just putting it out there into the world will have to be enough. Leah, you will be missed.

Can’t write. Can’t think. Brain obsessed with counting contractions and feeling for “something different” in my cervix. Not that I’m in labor mind you. Oh, that would be too easy. I’ve been having regular whatever they are pains for several weeks now and it could last for several weeks more. It’s a little hard to focus on anything else when I’m constantly looking at a clock trying to figure out if my contractions meet the test for driving to the hospital. Co-workers are joking that they’re going to put a bassinet in my office. Just in case.

When this actually does happen, and it will, I’ll update here asap. There will be a birth story. There will be pictures (of the baby - nothing gross - ick). I’m hoping it’ll be very, very soon.